When “Having It All Together” Becomes Too Much and How RO-DBT Can Help

Many people pride themselves on being organized, conscientious, and self-disciplined. These traits often lead to success in school, work, and relationships. But when taken to extremes, the very same qualities can start to backfire, creating loneliness, burnout, and emotional exhaustion.

This pattern is known as overcontrolled coping or maladaptive perfectionism, resulting in the relentless pursuit of control, achievement, and self-improvement, even at the expense of emotional well-being.

What Is Overcontrolled Coping?

Overcontrolled (OC) coping refers to a style of responding to stress by tightening control, which results in suppressing emotions, avoiding risks, and striving to meet rigid internal standards. People with OC tendencies tend to be highly reliable, rule-following, and sensitive to criticism. They may appear calm on the outside while privately battling anxiety, shame, or self-doubt.

Common signs of overcontrol include:

• Difficulty relaxing
• Avoidance of emotional expression or vulnerability
• A strong need for routine, structure, or predictability
• Harsh self-criticism and guilt when mistakes occur
• Feeling disconnected from others despite wanting closeness

While these strategies often develop as ways to stay safe and successful, they can eventually lead to social isolation, chronic anxiety, perfectionism, and depression.

When Perfectionism Turns Maladaptive

Healthy striving involves setting goals and learning from mistakes. Maladaptive perfectionism, on the other hand, involves an all-or-nothing mindset, believing that anything less than perfect means failure. Over time, this mindset can erode confidence, limit creativity, and make relationships feel strained.

Maladaptive Perfectionism may look like:

• Overworking or procrastinating out of fear of imperfection
• Difficulty accepting praise or compliments
• Constant comparison to others
• Feeling anxious or irritable when things don’t go “just right”

Behind the drive for perfection is often a deep desire for acceptance and belonging, but rigid control can push others away, leaving the person feeling even more isolated.

How RO-DBT Helps

Radically Open Dialectical Behavior Therapy (RO-DBT) is an evidence-based treatment designed specifically for people with overcontrolled coping styles. Developed by Dr. Thomas Lynch, RO-DBT focuses on improving openness, flexibility, and social connectedness, the key areas that overcontrolled individuals often struggle with most.

Where traditional therapies might emphasize regulating strong emotions, RO-DBT helps clients learn how to relax control and express their authentic selves.

Core elements of RO-DBT include:

• Enhancing openness: Learning to welcome feedback, accept uncertainty, and approach experiences with curiosity rather than judgment.
• Building flexibility: Developing the ability to adapt when things don’t go as planned, and letting go of rigid “rules” for self-worth.
• Deepening social connectedness: Practicing vulnerability, humor, and self-disclosure to strengthen relationships and reduce loneliness.

Through a combination of individual therapy and skills classes, clients learn how to identify when control is helping and when it’s getting in the way of living a meaningful, connected life.

The Path Toward Balance

For many people, loosening control feels counterintuitive or even frightening at first. But with practice and support, overcontrolled individuals can learn to balance their natural strengths, discipline, responsibility, and thoughtfulness, with greater spontaneity, compassion, and joy.

If you or someone you love identifies with being “too controlled,” perfectionistic, or emotionally restrained, RO-DBT offers a clear and compassionate roadmap toward change. Learning to be radically open doesn’t mean losing control. It means gaining the freedom to connect, feel, and live more fully.